Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

My sister thinks of me. She sends me a little sunshine by getting me a random pizza, salad and Jumex one day or using the perfect meme the next. (Donkey from Shrek saying “that’s a nice boulder”).

The trial with Celeste is taking a toll on me. I’m not sure why. It’s like my chest is begging me to feel this but I keep pushing it away. Not many things get to me. But this one did.

You know what makes me mad? Clay from SOA. They needed to get rid of him a long time ago. And Otto does not deserve what’s happening to him. But these men are dedicated to the loyalty of the club. We don’t see that often anymore. Oh and Tara. Can’t stand her or her ugly hair. Season 6 episode 4 is by far by favorite. Jax Jax Jax. “Jackyboy.”

My heart is hurting. I know it. But I can’t feel it and I don’t want to. I need to.

Ever since I split, I’ve been doing things just because. She takes over and it feels like autopilot mode. We lay in the same bed every night. But we dont cuddle or touch, in fact I have an imaginary line on the headboard where I tell him not to cross. I don’t like to be touched while I fall asleep. But this time, I held him not because I felt safe but because my body is stuck. I slowly start moving away. One foot at a time. Then hand. I scoot back inch my inch until I pretend I’m sleeping and I turn over. Touch to me equals sex. Touch to him equals many things. Probably the true meaning of it. But I struggle.

I have black out curtains. There is a spot of the back lining missing. Just one small circle. That’s as much light as I’m wanting in the room. Sometimes, even that is too much.

JN went through so much pain and didn’t deserve it. Her mother is mentally ill. And she found someone sicker than she is. A heartless boy. Because how else would she chase this man who doesn’t know how to love, for 6 years? Because she was neglected. Because she was looking for love. Because she had so much to give. Now she lays in bed, contemplating if she deserves to cry or not. Then, to punish herself, she doesn’t.

I need a break. Breathe.

It’s like we found each other. JN is 8, and I’m 9. We’re finally seeing eye to eye.

What if mine started at 9. That’s when she came out. But why? Why so sad? Things had already happened by 3 years old. If she was already there, why did I only start noticing her at 9?

I don’t fall in love just in case he wants to come back to us.

I have so many thoughts, but I can’t get them out. It’s like 2 waves clashing together, slowing each other down into the same rhythm.

Is it possible to fall in love with a character?

I go on FB and see a post where my cousin graduated, and this is the first time I’ve heard this. I get it, but I don’t get it. I wasn’t invited, why? I wouldn’t want me there either, but I thought you loved me. Then I think that’s selfish because it’s her day and if she doesn’t want me there I just have to accept it.

I took 2 planners apart and taped them to my planners with alternating pages. When I’m done with that page, I’ll tear off the taped section so I can use the original side and save paper while using the paper I need to get rid of ! AND when I’m done with the original page I’ll tape another until I can tear it out. Paper cycle until it’s gone.

So far my favorite episode of American Dad! Is S2 E17 I Can’t Stan You. I was cracking up the whole time. My sister would get it. She has the same sense of humor.

I don’t want to be stuck with all the mistakes I’ve made.