Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

I lost the new version of myself for a second there. I did not take my meds for a few weeks. Part of me was wondering if I really need to be medicated… Surprise ! You do !!

I’ve been doing this since I started taking meds. I did very well in the beginning, though. I was very motivated to get better.

When I stepped out of my new routine: in bed and meds at 7.30pm, slowly my mood was swinging, I was angrier than before, I wasnt as responsible as before, I was going back into survival mode.

The c-tting definitely increased. My therapist gave me homework, “do one new thing this week and tell me about it next week.” Well, one of my bravest things I’ve ever done….my first Brazilian Wax. I almost left while waiting to be called. It hurt as much as I pictured and not as much as I thought, if that makes sense.

The second new thing was a repetition of an old memory. Finally, I opened the can of sardines that expires the next day and just went for it. I tasted it with bread. Not bad. Not as salty as tuna. Then I figured maybe since it’s from Trader Joe’s, it’s healthier. I then mixed mayo, salt, and pepper into it… mimic Subway’s tuna, and it was FINE. Uneventful. Not bad, but I won’t be making it part of my diet.

In the third week, I said no more new things. BUT I couldn’t help myself and bought a tattoo gun. I didn’t even consider it a new thing since I was using it instead of c-tting. I was tired of hiding my arms or the lines getting bigger, and I figured, this is a more acceptable way of self-harm. I now have 29 tattoos. Im running out of ideas within my capabilities. I need to buy a printer now for the bigger pieces. I also didn’t notice that all my tattoos have a theme. They all represent BPD. Full circle.

I wanted to get my nails done but I did acrylic, and it confirmed I just don’t like the feeling. Not for me. Then gel polish. It hardens and thickens on top of the nails. Also, giving me that fake feeling I dont like. So I figured why not go to the store and buy a nail plish every week or two. Try colors I normally wouldn’t try. I started the first couple of weeks with my go-to colors burgundy and dark blue with a matte coating. I also do not like shiny. Matte all the way for me. I even tried doing a french tip myself, and that was too girly. Tried pink and ew.

Can you believe I’ve even gotten into the habit of straighetning my hair most days, that I forget I have black curly poofy hair?! Remember when I and my hair were untamed?

Three days of consistency with my meds, and I’m feeling tiny bursts of inspirations. I’ve started to clean the kitchen more. And trying to get rid of things that “no longer serve a purpose.” I’ve realized that’s also part of my letting go process.

I’ve been trying different sparkling waters to find another one, I’ll tolerate. I’m not ordering food as much as before. I’m going back to drinking water and whatever else I do in my routine. Slowly coming back. Look at all those new little things I’m doing.

I’m liking this process. I had to really think about what I’m going to invest my time in, reshaping the visions of myself and events in my life, what do I want to be? What does that look like?