Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

My mother used to cry in the bathroom. I don’t know how I forgot that. IT makes sense now why I cried in the bathroom.

If I’m laying down but not actively trying to turn my mind off, the medication all of a sudden gives me a fast heart rate and I get out of breath. If I try to walk or talk it triggers the r*pe. Thats how I know for sure he drugged me. I was in denial for a really long time. I wonder if that’s something I had to brush off. I knew it and you knew it…but it didn’t hit me until I had that bad reaction from staying awake past the 30mins. My heart went faster and the only thought in my head was “oh shit, I’m gonna die…I’m gonna die.” I have to keep reminding myself it’s the medication and not the r*pe.

I couldn’t sleep for 2 years after that. Funny how time flies. I never felt safe. That should have been my biggest sign besides the fact that I lived it. Somehow, I tried to pretend it didn’t happen and I became someone else. Thats why I question it. But my therapist lived it too. She probably documented it. Great. There’s no escaping this.