Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

Why didn’t I matter?

As you know, all of our “family” holidays are spent at my aunt Toni’s house. I’m a planner, and I like to plan beforehand. I guess it might be my way of showing love. Caring. I asked days in advance what the plan was and what I should bring… My aunt said she’d let me know. I didn’t get a text until the day of, and it’s her telling us we can figure it out. It’s Mother’s Day. Why do I have to go through the stores trying to find pop somewhere, but I can’t because everyone else is also shopping…and in the heat, people are staring, they’re in the way…I have a thousand things running through my head, and my schedule for the next few days, mentally prepare for what I need…and OH YEAH, I also have to get a gift. GREAT. I wanted to see my sister, she said she’d be off at 2.15pm. That would give me an hour to pick her up, go to Sam’s club…EAT, and drop her off, carry her stuff upstairs and start driving home to pick up JN and Boob so we can make that 40min drive to my aunt’s and be there by 4pm. I’m bringing drinks and fries.

So nothing went according to plan. I was late dropping off LL because we spent over an hour, venting about our boyfriends. Then traffic was worse. Getting to the apartment late just to find them not ready. JN gets an attitude and throws it in my face that I owe her money.

She doesn’t get it. Sometimes, I don’t eat or eat less for them. Most of the time, I put myself last. For her to throw it in my face. She’s had more in her life than I ever will in mine. And she’s ungrateful. Yes, I yelled at her. Not to mention that Roady decided to tell me his job was giving away cards and he got one, he was going to get another one and there weren’t any more. So now I have to take him to the store to buy me a card….hard NO. Really? The woman that abandoned you deserves a card before me?? Well, I guess it makes sense. Since we don’t have kids together. I mean nothing. Od and his excuse was that he didn’t drive.  But he can order shirts twice a month. I get the notifications for the mail. He can’t manage to pick a flower from the ground or order something like he does his damn shirts. Just wow.

We finally make it there. An hour late. No one says Happy Mother’s Day to me. I say it to my aunt. The food isn’t even ready ! We eat, barely talk…time to pass out gifts andddddd…….Dee got Toni something and I got her a perfume. It was a beautiful bottle with flowers on it. And I got…nothing. I spent 15mins in the bathroom texting my sister, trying not to cry.

She told him to send it to Calabasas but she lives in VIRGINIA. Well then, hope he feels as special as I do today.

Since that moment I just went numb, quiet. I haven’t said a word to him since Sunday. It is now Wednesday morning.

Sometimes the noise in my head is too loud. Like muffled screaming and crying far away, almost like white noise.

Never for a minute stop thinking about him, because that’s when he shows up.

No one thought of me.