Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

Girls can be heroes too. Or so I thought..

You always see strong determined men in movies. But what about strong determined women?? We should all know, strength isn’t always physical.

People like my daughter don’t see sacrifices as a measurement for success or happiness. Only materialistic things and paid for experiences. I try to show her the beauty in trees and flowers and the sky. But she glances and goes back to her phone. Sometimes, I make it a rule, “No looking at devices until we get there!” She still doesn’t see it. I have her smell the flowers sometimes, and she’ll tell me if they’re pretty. But she doesn’t see it. I tried to tell her the other day to forget about religion and science theories. Just listen to this thought. I tried to explain by showing her a random fruit fly. You can barely see its wings or eyes, and the legs are so thin and fragile, yet it’s body functions in the similar way we do, and somehow everything we have is tucked in their tiny bodies. And THAT right there is an amazing thing. She just said, “Okay? Is that all?” “Come on, Jeh Nay !!! How can you not see how beautiful trees are !?”

I never had a mother’s love. I had glimpses here and there from other people’s mothers. But never from mine or anyone close to me. I think that’s why I imprinted on Toni so much. She was the only woman willing to show basic care. All it took was one conversation. I didn’t grow up with much of an example, and realistically speaking, I didn’t think I could ever be a correct mother. But I dreamt of boys and fostering kids. And having like 10… but I had Jeh Nay, and she was the only one. Her dad jokingly said to me one day that if I got pregnant again, he’d throw me down the stairs L O L. He was the only one laughing. I thought, “I have to get out.“

As I was scrubbing the stove top today, I started thinking how I may not have known much about nurture but I tried my best for Jeh Nay and I sacrificed everything for her. Always. After 2 years of my postpartum depression I snapped out of it and never turned back. I contemplated whether or not Jeh Nay would be better off without me. I made sure my goal in life was to keep her safe, even from her father. And I know I’m not the best choice, but I promise I will care and try my best. Even if I have to work 2 jobs, run off 3 hours of sleep and show up in the same clothes as last night…I will show up and I will care. She doesn’t see that.

My pregnancy was traumatic and I had post partume depression for about 2 years and my relationship with AA was nothing like I imagined it would be. I had no family and no support, because I was stupid enough to move across the country because I had gotten kicked out and I hated my parents so much. That’s a story for another time.

Coming back home and having to learn to be a mom first before learning to be an adult. That was tough. When I realized he didn’t want his family, I got an overnight job so I could spend my day with her and I was still in school. I was almost done with my associates. It got too hard and mom stopped wanting to watch her. She hated that I was doing homework before work. She said I spent no time with my kid.

Jeh Nay didn’t even want to spend time with me. But I did take her to the park or play and food dates. I talked to her all the time. She couldn’t speak. I tried teaching her every thing I could. I bought her toys and always took pictures for memories. I even started scrapbooks so she could remember and she could see that I cared, in my own way.

My mom made me quit school. She said if I didn’t, she wouldn’t watch Jeh Nay anymore. I think I cried for 4 days. All I ever wanted to do was be in school. My mom even asked me, “Why do you even WANT to go to school AND work?” I looked around and told her,”Because I can.” She looked surprised. I always thought I was better out there in the workforce anyway….better than being a mother. I had no example, but I promised never to do anything to ruin Jeh Nay.

I continued to work and when my dad kicked me out I was living in my car for about 5 months before I asked Toni if I could stay there. It was during Dee’s associate graduation. I regret asking her at that time whenever i think about it, but I was desperate. I didn’t want Jeh Nay to notice. I ran out of excuses as to why we were taking really long naps in the car or slept at different motels or showered at the YMCA. When my dad forced me to quit my overnight job for a day job, he kicked me out 2 days later. On a Monday. Because I didn’t find another job quick enough. I had a plan, and they agreed. I had just gotten my taxes, so I asked them to give me a month to get a new job, get Jeh Nay in daycare, and figure out other things. But I was still paying my bills and my portion of groceries and rent and needs. What my dad didn’t realize was that when he kicked me out, my bills didn’t stop. I still needed to pay my credit cards and phone bill and gas and car payment and Jeh Nay needs because she was a toddler and now I need to figure out day care but that was $600 dollars a month and I couldn’t get an apt because they wanted proof of income and GUESS WHAT? I JUST QUIT MY JOB.

Toni let me stay with her for a month before she kicked me out because Jeh Nay was too much to handle and I wasn’t finding a job fast enough and Jeh Nay’s dad finally decided to move here and I was trying to figure out if I could trust him enough to watch her for me. 1 month and then I went back to my parents. I didn’t tell her at the time that I had just gotten off the phone with a job. I started Friday. She was already giving up on me and I didn’t feel the need to make her feel bad since she already didn’t want me there.

I begged this place for a job. I was down to my last $30. I needed that for gas. I told the manager even if I was just cleaning toilets I would. She hired me. My first paycheck was $35, great. I owe my dad $100 and I told him when I get paid. My dad took my $35. I think it was an intimidation tactic. I was tired. He’d kicked me out 5 times since I got back. The last 6 months were dreadful. But I stayed because Jeh Nay liked it there and it was a place to live. I made a friend and got a 2nd job. I later left and went into my own townhouse. I thought about Jeh Nay and my sisters. One of them betrays me and the other was too depressed she needed to go back home. Story for another time.

I was back in school then covid happened and I had to quit once more. I dedicated my time to taking Jeh Nay and my sisters to and from school and work. I had no one to watch her so I was stuck again.

I had to go back to the apt building my parents were at because I was getting kicked out during covid, which now I know was illegal. I had to stay with Toni again. On my last day, she told me this needed to be the last time. That I needed to get it together. I promised I wouldn’t need her again. I searched and searched and finally I got hired. After my first week, my dad spoke to the property manager and convinced them to let me have the next available apt.

I fought with my parents a lot and hearing what TV had said about me was heartbreaking. I wasn’t speaking to them much but I was grateful to have somewhere….for Jeh Nay.

There were a lot of fights between AA and I and he liked to make me late for work. He was an ass. Public humiliation: He liked to yell at the top of his lungs at the school parking lot or store. He always tried to embarrass me. Little by little, I managed to deal with him less and less. During this time, cops were called several times, he tries stopping me from going to both of my jobs, he said i need to drive him over in order for him to leave us alone. My last straw was when he wouldnt let me in my car and callee the cops dramatically saying my dad was a cm. We went to court and they kept giving him the benefit of the doubt every time he didnt show up…he wasn’t even helping with expenses. Meanwhile, I had to drive her to and from his place because he refused to….for about 8 yrs. But who’s counting?

I no longer had the money for court and we never got to an agreement for divorce so unfortunately, we are still married. He refuses to agree or sign papers or even show up, so I stopped trying. I have other things to worry about. Like how much Jeh Nay grows every year, school, schedule, clothes, fun for her, Lilly, work, gym, bills, rent, car…. eating?…what is self care? And now I have Hammy and the guineas and a bf.

I even stayed alone for a long time because I cared too much about who I let in. I ended up alone. I worked overtime for about 4 years. I barely had sleep or time for anything. But I made time. And I kept her in activities and therapy and I have therapy. The only thing I needed AA to do was take her if she’s sick or to the doctors. I could handle everything else. Which he barely wanted to do that.

Eventually I was able to be heard, that he is not a good person or good father to her. Not a safe person. So she’s been with me full time the past year. No more sharing sleep schedules. I made sure I protected her. She doesn’t see that.

My days off are not mine. I grocery shop and do laundry and still do important things. But I try to manage some fun. I don’t get much sleep and there’s barely any quiet time for me. All I wanna so is nap or read or write. But that’s boring to her.

She asked for Gucci bags this Christmas. I cannot afford that. That’s crazy talk ! She’s 11 and no one in our family is rich. She wants make up and shopping sprees and to live with Toni. Because I get upset with her after repeating myself 5 times and I’m boring.

A long time ago, I chose Jeh Nay over my health, my needs, my sanity…I’ve sacrificed my relationships, and I quit school. Because I wanted to become a doctor, and right now, I don’t have the money or support system to do both; work and school. I give her the last of everything I have. I sometimes sacrifice my food or clothes or time without a thank you. I eat at places I don’t like because she enjoys it. I try to teach her everything I know and shield her from the world. I make sure she has good examples and I lead her in the right direction. I’m honest, and every decision I make revolves around what’s best for her. I try to stay on top of my meds because it makes me a better person. All my PTO has been used for her. I’m tired most of the time and I self harm when things get too tough but I stay working and buy her what she needs and I cook everyday I’m not an addict of any kind and I’m not abusive. I care about her mental and emotional well-being above everything. If I see snacks at work, I take one for her. I buy her a dessert or her favorite drink. A cute sweater or purse….the list goes on how nothing of mine is mine anymore. It’s hers. But she’s mad at me for her dad being her dad because that’s my fault. And I’m broke and I’m boring… She doesn’t see it.

I try to show her and explain and give perspective. I wanted to be the example I never had. Women are beautiful and amazing. We can do anything. We can do it all. But she doesn’t listen. She doesn’t care. Somehow, I’m not good enough for her either.

And that’s life.