Snapdragon

And in the end I don’t mean much to anyone. I am so mad at myself. I did this to myself. I somehow ended up alone with no one to check on me.

JN gets to grow up very differently than I did. She gets to watch the movies or shows with me/us. She’s allowed to sit in my bed and just exist. If she needs something, I pause what I’m doing. Unless what I’m doing is important or I’m in the kitchen.

She gets to have options, and she’s given “normal” responsibilities for her age. She doesn’t get yelled at for wanting to tell me about her day or if she did something wrong or made a mistake. I teach her whatever I can whenever I can. She doesn’t have to discuss feelings, but she does have to answer 4 questions. “Are you safe? Did anyone hurt you? Are you having dangerous thoughts? Is there anything I can do to help?” Then we move on, and I wait until she’s ready. Usually, she tells ‘Saint as soon as he gets in the car. I don’t mind it. At least she’s telling someone AND in front of me. I’ve told her she needs to have at least one safe adult to talk to besides her therapist. Just in case she doesn’t want to talk to me about something.

She doesn’t get yelled at or kicked out or cussed out for laughing or asking questions. Or simply existing. Sometimes, she just wants to lay next to us. I never got to do that with my parents. No one taught me anything. Or explained things….cared enough to try. I prioritize JN with every decision I make. My parents tossed me aside if it wasn’t convenient. It was always about their convenience.

It’s getting trickier being a parent now. I’m starting to thread “uncharted waters.” Uncomfortable and weird conversations are starting to happen. I’m at a point in parenting where I don’t really know what to do or say. I pretty much think back to what my friends have said or or did and figured it out from there. Lucky for her, I’m willing to have those conversations. I tell her I’d rather give her all the info I can than her be misguided by friends or other kids.

I try to make things easier for her. I know she has pretty bad anxiety. Her body is changing and growing, and she can notice. I try to fix it and move on. I try to make it less weird for the both of us. For so long, she was shaving her back and eyebrows wrong. I tried to do it myself but she didn’t like it. JN didn’t like the pain or itchiness from the hairs growing back. She stopped trying so much, doesn’t really care right now. Fine by me. I remember my parents would just say no to everything. They would yell but never offer an explanation. Made me want to be their opposite even more. My parents weren’t very helpful to me.