Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

I met Dan when I was in 3rd grade, he was in 5th. His little sister was in 1st grade. She used to like sitting next to me so he sat in front of us. Different dads. I remember him mentioning how he wondered why his dad didn’t love him.

Life has a funny way of putting people back in my life. Even if it is for a few minutes. Almost like a test, can I be kinder than they were to me?

He lives in a home now. Diagnosed with Schizophrenia, Explosive disorder, mild intense disorder and traumatic stress disorder. The way he was explosive when we were younger, I didn’t understand it then but it makes sense now. I imagined their life was pretty rough. Sometimes diagnoses say more about how rough life was than the person speaking on it. I saw him randomly during my break, working an hour away. No where near where we grew up. Interesting…sad.

My dad used to make me feel guilty for existing. When he’d take us out to eat, he’d yell at me if I wanted something different or something that cost more. He would tell me “That’s why I don’t like taking you out.” Sometimes he’d leave with my mom and sisters while I was in the shower. At first, he’d tell me to hurry up, later on he wouldn’t say anything. They would just leave. Him and his “family.”

Besides my mom, I spent the most time with my dad. I actually wanted to. He would make me feel guilt and shame for not having the things I needed. But he was an adult and I was 11-15 years old. I don’t understand how my parents…these adults…who were 33 and 28 at the time, could they look AT ME, their child and be ok with their actions and words. Putting an age to them makes it worse for me. Because I was younger when I had JN. I was alone…my whole life really. I look at JN and she’s 11. I could never just be mean or make her cry for my entertainment. I always feel bad when I can’t do something for her. I always try to find a way. I know I’ve disappointed her too many times, but I am one person. I had no support and my parents hated me.

What do I do with that?