Seven Teen Diapers

Dear Simone,

I see why he always threw it in my face. How he provided a roof and fed me.

Because I made that possible. Not him. He wanted to take credit because he was nothing without me. Because of me, he had a permit, a job, a license, a life, a child, cars, a house now, etc. He was nothing before me. I see it now. Maybe that’s what you were trying to tell me before, and I just didn’t see it.

He’s the one who wanted to work and have me stay at home. I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom. I didn’t sign up for that. I wanted to be a balanced partnership. When I suggested I get a part time job and he take care of Jeh Nay during those hours, so he could rest, so I could contribute, so he wouldn’t miss all the milestones, so I could get the human interaction I needed for my depression… he got a 3rd job. Made no sense. He worked at one store 8am – 3pm and 3pm – 9pm at another store and UPS 11pm – 4am. He said he got that job because I was taking too long. But literally, between the days I mentioned it to when he started, his new job was about 5 days. And he gave me the same ultimatum as my dad, I need to work or go to school. Looked like now I needed to go to school but that became a problem too. I wanted to get into Emory, and the way to do that was to go to Georgia State. But he said no. He was worried I’d be taken away by some guy at school. So I went to a private university. I would tell him I feel I’m not learning enough. He didn’t believe me. I was going through pretty bad postpartum depression, and Jeh Nay was difficult to deal with. My C- Section scar didn’t heal until 5 months after, and trying to get my assignments in on time was beyond stressful. He only watched her for 3 hours during the week and 3 hours on Saturdays during my class. I had a GPA of 4.35. I was impressed. But then I realized… I’M… NOT… LEARNING… ENOUGH. Later on, that school lost its accreditation, and it felt like everything I did was for nothing. He didn’t care.

I kept trying to go back to school, but I had to make a choice every time. School? Jeh Nay? Or work? I chose Jeh Nay every time, and that meant I had to work all the time. He wasn’t helping with expenses, so I worked overtime and at some point 2 jobs for 9 years ! Like I said, not fair people would use that against me. But that’s a story for another time.

I was already depressed and stressed from school and being a first-time mom. I didn’t have family or a support system, and he took me away from my friends. It was literally me and my thoughts and Jeh Nay crying all the time. I was always so sleepy. Postpartum made everything worse. He made it unbearable.

I needed to cook for him because he didn’t know how to and I needed to wash his clothes and buy his things and be there emotionally for him and guide him through life as best I could because he had no parents. He had no guidance. And somehow, take care of me and Jeh Nay and do school ?? I know it might not seem to be a lot, and it seems normal, but at the time, it was too much. I didn’t have anyone vouching for me but me.

I didn’t clean much and stopped caring about my appearance. He would get mad if I tried anyway. Make me feel guilty for wanting to go out even for important things, that I became too scared to leave at all. I’d have straight panic attacks before leaving. And he didn’t help.

I eventually had a miscarriage. I wondered if it would have been a boy this time. Good thing that happened because he jokingly told me he’d throw me down the stairs if I became pregnant again. As he would force himself on me all the time and not want me to be on birth control.

I wanted more children, but I lost that desire the more I got to know him. He was completely different than who he presented himself to be.

It’s taken me years to get over some things and learn to trust someone again. Because I trusted him. I thought he’d save me and protect me. But all he did was cause more damage. Some things are irreversible and numb. And even if I trust, it’s barely anything.

I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt one too many times. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and I don’t think he’ll ever be a great dad.

Jeh Nay has been with me full time since Feb of this year, and the last time she saw him was in September. Not a phone call or text. Maybe that’s what’s best for all of us.