Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

I haven’t been able to pay the rent on time for over a year now. They’ve been nice enough to give me the rest of the month for me to pay it. Occasionally, the property manager will call or leave me a statement reminder of where I’m in debt. The other day he knocked on the door, and I felt small, terrified, and went into panic mode. I couldn’t breathe and I couldn’t understand why something as small as a knock on the door was so scary to me. I felt like a child, hiding in a room and someone trying to claw their way in. When the moment was gone I could not go back to normal. I couldn’t finish writing or watch my show. I had to take a nap to get over it.

Not sure where I got that fear from but it reminded me of JehNay’s dad in North Carolina and my mind goes blank after that. There’s something I’m missing.

Then I remembered the movie theatre behind the apartments we lived at. And how we watched a scene where the main character was SA’d and he said to me “see, that’s her fault for dressing the way she did.” And I thought to myself, what about us that were kids, and we had regular kid clothes on? Is that our fault too?

Later on that night, I found a txt from ‘Saint to his brother or cousin about how mad he was that I got mad at him for not doing enough around the apartment.  He was talking smack, and his brother or cousin told him he should leave me. I sat him down and told him how disappointed I was and how maybe this was not going to work. I cried for hours and I think he may have cried too. In that moment I wasn’t thinking straight and I didn’t trust myself either, so I didn’t move, and I didn’t say a word. I wanted to go into Dee’s arms, but I stayed home. Because I believed I didn’t deserve comfort. So I went to sleep instead.

BB