Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

I read online, “what did you lose that makes you chase love so much?” I thought about it. Did I ever have anything? I don’t think I had much to lose, but eventually I had people, and I lost them. The saddest thing for me was knowing they aren’t dead. They just kept choosing everything but me. I think I loved everyone more than they ever loved me. I kept choosing them, they kept choosing everything else. I was never enough for anyone to stay and those that stayed, used me until they were bored. But they would come back, feed my delusions, hurt me some more, then leave for good. And THEN, I wouldn’t let them back in. No matter how much I wanted or missed them.

The only wedding I was a part of was AA’s cousin. The bride was a teenager when his cousin married her. She needed her mom’s permission. She signed her over. She never liked me. Feeling was mutual, but not for the reasons she thought. AA had argued with me so much about not being friends with guys or any girl that didn’t live a righteous life…and here he was, being friends with a 16-year-old, smoking and chilling with her etc. The day I met her he said, “I want to introduce you to a friend.” And it was her. Of course I was mad. Eventually his cousin got arrested on his way back to her, after trying to get some McFlurries. Something about his license, I think. She called AA and told him he never showed up. His car was left on the side of the road. AA asked me to help find him since I was home. I searched and called every jail and hospital I could think of, until I found him. She went to visit him with her mom and claims THAT’S how they found out her age. He was 34. She then agreed to marry him so he could get out. We picked him up and he wanted us to help plan it. She didn’t want me to be part of it.

I love interesting stories. Unique stories. Love stories. What if they did love each other? Imagine telling the kids !

He had a fashion designer friend that made a jeweled vest he wanted to borrow. The bride gave him a ribbon with the color she wanted. I helped the brother choose the flowers, decorations and food. Just because I didn’t get that, doesn’t mean she couldn’t. I was happy to help. The bride was so petty she even had er older sister, who was really pretty and plastic by the way, walk down the aisle with AA. I was filled with jealousy and rage. I was 4 months pregnant and wearing a dress and heels and I could barely walk on the lawn. I asked him to hold my hand to help me across, but he ignored me and left me behind. But he held the sister’s hand, Jocelyn. Smiled and was careful. But not with me. Funny.

The next wedding I might be a part of is Dee’s. I wanted to be a part of it until she told me her BFF, Bunny would be the maid of honor. It was a punch in the gut. I was so hurt. We were in Toni’s living room, and I was so heartbroken. I couldn’t believe she was choosing this girl she just met 2 years ago over me, her cousin. The one who loved her the most besides her mom. Like how?

Anyways, I eventually got over it. She wants me to be the Matron of Honor. I don’t want anything to do with it anymore. I just want to sit on the guest side and drink my drink. Not have the stress or deal with it. But what do I get? Burnt gas station pizza at the last minute. I could’ve ordered if that was the case. We planned this for weeks, just for there to be no effort. I see how she plans things for others and her friends. So, I know she knows how to. She just, doesn’t for me. We were supposed to do games and food. Instead, I watched her, and Bunny play dance with their video game characters. No games, no food, no drinks. She said she didn’t have the money. But had just come home from the grocery store. I guess the store ran out of food.