The Unmentionable

Dear Simone,

If I could have written him a letter, I would have said…

♤ I really hope it’s you in the end. I’m rooting for you.

♤ I always missed you and I always cared about you.

♤ I always craved to be around you.

♤ It would hurt so much that you didn’t feel the same.

♤ I would tell him that I was so hurt when he didn’t choose me… So I kept my distance and my boundary. I never thought we would be anything more than friends.

♤ There was no way that I could take you seriously and and you didn’t show you wanted me anyways.

♤ I cherish your friendship and I think that at some point I used you to vent because you didn’t say much. And you didn’t judge.

♤ Somewhere along the lines, I needed more

♤ I didn’t see it as signs at the time.. But thinking back now I think that you were trying to tell me. I just didn’t see it.

♤ Thinking back, you used to call me your best friend, and you used to say that we were meant to be together. But I didn’t believe you and I didn’t listen.

♤ I was so surprised and yet so tempted when you sent me that 1st picture. But it confirmed everything I thought of you, so I ignored it every single time. Because I knew I would never be the only one.

♤ I never really understood why it hurt me so much to be away from you. Clearly we’re talking about someone who didn’t try, only saw twice a year and didn’t put any effort in.

♤ That 1st time was everything. The way it happened the rain the lightning… But I expected to have feelings after that and I didn’t. And then a few more times happened, and still nothing. If anything, you woke up my hunger.

♤ It wasn’t until I saw you start to change that I realized something was about to happen. It was a time that you were on top, and you finally kissed me while we were intertwining, and I kissed you back… passionately holding your face. When you went back up, you looked at me…. You looked at me like something had changed.

♤ When I rode you for the 1st time and you came in 3 minutes…. You told me it was mine. And I didn’t know if I should believe you. Then, something in me began to change.

♤ You told me you were leaving but I thought you were going to Chicago. I found out from social media that you were going to California, but you stopped talking to me for 11 days. In that time, I think that was the worst for me. I thought about what you said in the car that maybe 10% was meant to me. And I thought about how you never chose me. I thought about how, yet again I was not good enough. I thought about maybe this time you would leave for good. I thought about all the women that you were probably with. And I thought about the miscarriage that I was having in that time, and I couldn’t even tell you I had to go through it by myself. I felt like s*** every day.

♤ I experience the world with indescribable rage, unbearable sadness, and huge passion.

♤ I get glimpses of you in my future sometimes. These random thoughts just pop up. Like hugging you and kissing you…in the future. Like the perfect future image.

♤ Our love is like…

Frank and Monica

Romance by Lil Wayne

Harley and Joker

Bonnie and Clyde

Fiona and Steve

Hancock and Mary
Donkey and dragon

♤ At one point I couldn’t stop drinking about you. I didn’t even need to do that with any of my exes. And I’ve had some pretty ugly breakups and heartbreaks.

♤ That first kiss was…surprising and soft and I melted and I closed my eyes and thought “this is what you’ve been missing.” Let yourself go. It was a moment of clarity. I’ve been searching for what I thought I was missing. I didn’t know this is what I needed. The lessons that come with you. And instead of remembering that, I let myself fall and now there’s no going back. I needed to know the “what if..”

♤ I cant stop thinking about you with other girls. Trying to picture what you would do with them, to them. What they would look like. Because if you’re not with me who are you with? Because you’re never with me.

♤ I live in this constant fear that you will leave me. That you will choose someone else. Because I’ve never been a good enough reason for you to come around. I feel like im constantly trying to lure you to me.

♤ My life has been about finding my way back to you..

♤ I thought “this could be my last chance.. To finally find out the what if. I’m all in.”

♤ I get high to forget about you.

♤ All that mushy comfort people seek, I’ve only craved it from you. Only crave to be submissive to you. And that’s a completely new feeling because I would never submit to anyone.

♤ You can’t leave me because these past 14 years had to have meant something. Leads to something.

♤ Out of everyone I know, you keep me in check. You just feel me. You know me. You know that I talk a big game and as soon as I’m shown commitment or a step towards improvement, I can’t breathe and I’m running for the hills. You know when to take me to the next step. If you leave me, who will do that.

♤ I keep having to tone down my feelings for you.

♤ It’s not like you ever tried to stay. Sometimes, it feels like I’m in your way

♤ You’ve awakened something in me that seeks nurture and affection. And I’m trying to kill it.

♤ When I see you I run and I keep running because one look from you and I’ll burn it all down. All of it. I’ll drop it. I’ll leave it. Just say the word.

♤ Thanks to you I’m seeing myself for who I am. Thanks to you, I feel like I don’t deserve anything, and I’m convincing myself I don’t want it.

♤ I deserve more than the words. I love you.. It’s just easier to say I don’t want it

♤ Waiting on you is like waiting for the impossible to happen. And I’m not trying to be 65 when you finally change your mind.

♤ Most ppl can’t get over the fear of their own fragility that they couldn’t see mine. But you never seemed to have that problem. So more questions come to mind. Are you that disciplined or that happy?

♤ I would tell him that his text is the one that excites me the most. I wait for his name and emojis to come up. But it feels like it’s so rare.

♤ I still have so much I need to say..

♤ I trusted you. Why would you do that? Why would you kill the last good part of me?

♤ I went for a drive Sunday night, and in that drive… the song “you can cry” by Marshmallo and Juicy J came up, and I just started crying. I almost went into hyperventilation mode… I could not stop crying for a little bit. And it was like an on and off thing until I got home. It started off with me remembering that SS had me listen to this song, and it was very meaningful to me. In the song, he says you can cry on my shoulder. All the pain is gone. It was very significant for my relationship with him and what I was going through and how I was starting to heal. When he left, I haven’t listened to that song many times. Because I haven’t been able to. Today I decided that I was going to and so it started with thinking about SS but the more that I remembered those feelings about him I remembered you. And so I just started crying about you. Because honestly, SS would have never done the things that you do to me. And I started getting angry, thinking about all the times you had me crying. Like you really did me dirty. Just got me looking stupid. How many times have I been sitting out there waiting for you to show up, and you don’t. How many times have I called you and you don’t pick up or call me back. I’m still blocked. How many times did you show up or were on “your way” and instead of making it through the door because you didn’t like something I said, you would leave and then tell me that you left and then I would call you to get you to come back and I would never hear from you again that night. And it wasn’t just once or twice or 3 times. Yet I have all of this love for you and you don’t let me get to know you and you don’t want things with me.

♤ When I 1st started that letter I was scared because my gut was telling me that it was going to be a goodbye letter. And as I mentioned I don’t wanna let him go yet. I’m not ready for it. But the more I’ve been talking to him, the more I couldn’t just want to call it quits. I’m stressed all the time he makes me cry.. I get no support he doesn’t give me the things in a regular relationship that people normally get. I get bits and pieces, and that’s honestly not enough. But like once the letter started and he kept posting on Facebook, it was like the ball started rolling. Then, all of a sudden, I found myself reading his post and becoming numb. Because if I’m not numb feeling, it is just too devastating. There’s so much pain, and I think more than anything, I was very disappointed. Because I was rooting for him, I had high hopes for him. It is painful to think that yet again I’m not good enough. So whenever I think I get the courage to tell him, you know what I’m sorry it’s over, I just keep the conversation going. The last time I saw him was on the 19th. I’m too lazy right now to look at the calendar, but if it’s been over 20 days, I kind of just want to keep that streak going… Like come up with excuses or fall asleep. Add to those days so it gets to 30. So I can just say “look it’s been too long just f it. F you and f everything…… We’re done. You’ve done me bogus way too many times, and I honestly can’t get past that post. Bye.” But for some reason, I love him.

♤ I keep chasing that high that he gives me. The silence in my head. Where none of it matters. For a second it’s a good silence. A natural connecting euphoric feeling.

♤ It wasn’t in my plans to love you.

♤ You said that you always wanted me. And I was shocked so I didn’t say anything. But what ran through my mind was.. Why didn’t you choose me then? Why haven’t you ever chosen me?

♤ I still look at you like it’s the first time.

♤ I felt like sometimes it was a woman who you were eager to see or leave me for. I can only imagine how many women you have to see. “Errands”

♤ If I could be a different person, I would.

♤ You’re going to realize it too late.

♤ I can’t help but look at every woman and wonder if you’ve slept with her.

♤ I’ve never called anyone else, “baby”

♤ I really wish you would not have taken the bracelet off and ruined everything

♤ I can’t have consistent conversations with you…there’s no reply. There’s no, this is what I’m doing. I can’t call you or video chat. You just keep me at a distance. I try to forget most of the time, but it doesn’t always work out.

♤ Now I’m wondering if had I not called, would you have reached out, or would it have been over for good?

♤ I bet you didn’t know I was dangerous

♤ I feel pathetic right now. Thinking back to all the times he’s stood me up or lied or probably chosen someone else. And here I am, sticking around with nothing in return. Nate and I were talking about how he hopes it won’t be too late for me and my sister. But I’m having that thought towards The Unmentionable. If we were on a ship , he’s letting it sink on one side, which is all the bogus things he’s done. And the other is the things he’s followed through on….it’s not enough. So now it’s sinking, and I’m holding on at the top on the edge. Kinda like titanic. Now I have a choice.

♤ Do I go down with the ship, straight down, and probably no chance of survival?

♤ Or do I jump off now, leaping away from it, and hope I survive the fall, sharks, and cold water/anxiety from it?

♤ Or do I hold on while I make a choice, again not ensuring survival because if I wait too long I’ll get sucked in with the ship?

♤ Being blocked makes me feel like you don’t care. Like this will never be a serious relationship, and we have no future. You can’t even open my msges. And that hurts. I’m trying to show you a glimpse of my day, and you don’t even care.

♤ I wish I didn’t feel like you’re the one.

♤ If you break up with me, I would make it to where you’d never wanna watch basketball again. I’d get Courtside tickets all the time and make you watch me.

♤ I spoke out of pain, fear, and anger, and you didn’t care.

♤ I’m glad I got to see what if. Because now I can let you go.

♤ That’s a lie. I didn’t get to see what if because you didn’t even try.

♤ I’m starting to understand what you meant by every time you asked if it was because of you. I’m starting to understand that you understood that it was because of you. It amazes me how you saw the bigger picture. Because I thought I was looking at it but there was a bigger picture and that’s what you were trying to tell me. AND STILL YOU CONTINUED TO HURT ME.

♤ I don’t wanna go anywhere. I want you to be my best friend, and I have so much to share. There’s no way I can live without you. I don’t wanna be free if it means I get to stay with you.

♤ You don’t know what you’ve done to me….

♤ Sometimes I’ll look at the lights on the highway and see a blue one and wonder if it’s you.

♤ Your absence drags me down all the time. It’s like you’re the piece I’m missing, but I can’t have it.

♤ Thank you for showing me I’m worthless. Showing me that I don’t deserve anything AND that you’re hoping for much better. Just let me be if that’s the case.

♤ The messed-up part is that it always goes back to him. Why couldn’t he love me? Why did he not choose me? And even now, I still don’t get chosen. He couldn’t love me 15 years ago. He’s not going to love me now. I never understood it back then. I felt the way that I felt for him. Or why his rejection has always hurt the most. Or what it is that I saw him. The thing is it’s not something that I can actually describe. I just see it, and it is. It’s like I see the energy or the light in a person. His was always the brightest. I mean to think coming from a person who had no boundaries for the most part growing up… When he would make jokes or decide to go towards me, I was hurt so bad. My number one rule was to never go further than friends with him. And so I believed it, and I reminded myself that he is not the type to settle down… He’s not the type that chooses me…. He’s not the type that can resist beautiful women. So it would never work out, so logically, it just made sense, and then I lost my feelings. However, for some reason, I always still got excited … I always wanted to talk to him. I would always get really sad or mad when he would stop talking to me or how hard it was for him to reply. It wasn’t that he was just such a high…. I wanted more, but I didn’t know that I wanted more in the sense of loving him… I thought I just wanted more of his energy of his vibe. I tell myself I can not be attracted to him. And so I wasn’t… Until I was.

♤ And he just keeps breaking my heart. Like going backward. So much I don’t even know if it was a test anymore if it was part of his trust issues or if that’s just how he was. Like he was OK with trying basically every woman in the world and never settled down.

♤ He has never chosen me. I don’t know. I think I’m just gonna have to repeat that over and over and over and over and over and over again until I believe it or it makes sense in my head. Because the hardest thing is always being awake. Being awake and having to function. And not just function but ignore the guilt of all the things I could have done better. And then, on top of that, I feel like a s**** mom. And then I get mad at myself because I don’t know how to nurture. And through all of that, the sadness and ups and downs and intrusive thoughts…. I live with the fact that I always loved him, but I just couldn’t have him. So, no one could ever compare. I even liked Kemi because she reminded me of him. The sad part is that I didn’t realize it until later on. And by then, it was too late. And I’m starting to understand my thought process with what if I had realized sooner. Or I should have realized this sooner. But honestly, I don’t think it would have made a difference. I think he was a lot worse than what he is now. And I don’t honestly think I was the only problem here. He never looked in my direction. But when he did….he saw me. And I would glow.

♤ But he has never chosen me. And he never will.

♤ I deserve to be loved.

♤ You never come back. You never turn back around. You never show up….you’re never going to choose me.

♤ I know for sure I didn’t imagine this in my head. I know what I saw. What I felt.

♤ I deserve to be loved

♤ I do not have to convince myself that I deserve love

♤ I am worthy of love… and if I give up now, I’ll never know.

♤ I still have so much to say….

♤ Letting you go is like cutting off my arm. And that to me is worse than ripping out my heart.

♤ You hurt worse than my other heartbreaks.

♤ It’s not fair. You said goodnight…..

♤ I still believe in fairy tales

♤ Life half full because that’s all life had to offer me.

♤ I want a lifetime with you.

♤ I ruined my entire life for you.

♤ Because of you, I will.

♤ You have taught me to embrace the inbetween.

♤ You reflected on my negative traits so I could heal myself.

♤ I filled up all my time just to feel empty. You pay me no mind

♤ I want to say that I don’t need to try anyone else to know that I only want you. And I’ve come to this conclusion from everyone not being you from the beginning. It was like a passing time till I could get back to you. I now understand that this is how things were supposed to be. I really doubt that it would have been any different had I fought for you more. And I honestly think if you would have tried, you would have failed back then. And that is OK. But unfortunately I now feel a way that can not be undone.

♤ I explained to Jeh Nay the other day the song by Kevin gates fairy tale. How he still believes in fairy tale love regardless of what happened between them. And so I told Jenh Nay that whenever someone says that they love you, make sure that actions are followed. And it doesn’t matter who they are. If they say they love you, they must show it with actions. And I know that’s not always true, but I was thinking about you thinking about you, and I wanted to save her the heartbreak.

♤ I already know what life is like without you, and I never wanted to do that again.

♤ You make me weak.

♤ I love you too much and I think that’s the scariest part. I think that there isn’t anything that you could do that I wouldn’t forgive.

♤ Do you just find yourself a bunch of lonely girls so they can always need you or reassurance that they’ll only need you so you end up shuffling them depending on how you’re feeling and you know nun of them will ever reach out to eachother so they won’t really know about eachother but knowing there’s others? Is that what you do?

♤ Do you ever think back, like “damn. I think she really loves me. And even though I don’t believe I deserve love she’s willing to give it, maybe I shouldn’t hurt her even if I don’t believe because she obviously sees something in me no one else does..?”

♤ No. Of course not.

♤ I’m just wasting my life trying to find a way into yours.

♤ Don’t choose me. I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible

♤ I always think about how if I could stop time I would, just to love you longer.

♤ I really thought I was going to have someone to do things with.

♤ I wanted so bad to be able to love you.

♤ I don’t think I’ll be able to ever trust you.

♤ There’s still a void.

♤ Sometimes I cry looking at you you thinking about the life I could have had.

♤ I wish I had done everything on earth, with you.

♤ Loving you is like falling with the rain, knowing I can’t get back up to the sky….willingly.

♤ I feel like I’m a step somewhere along the way…. And now I can’t get back what I could have had. And I beat myself up for it all the time. I just don’t know where I messed up…. And I hate this feeling.

♤ When I think of the future I see you in it in small things. And that’s a really big deal. Things like asking you if you have appointments So I can plan my week.. Asking you to fix something or take out the trash. Kissing you before we leave…. Getting ice cream or holding your hand. Taking walks…. Talking to me when I can’t sleep.

♤ You’re starting to become a blurred memory.

♤ It was always comfort with you.

♤ Maybe in another lifetime.

♤ Idky I thought you’d be my happily ever after..

♤ You make me feel like there’s better out there and I’mnot anything. Not once have you taken a day off or time to spend with me. Now I can’t get back all the feelings I have.

♤ I didn’t even get a “Happy Birthday”

♤ You could not have taken one day off…ever… planned ahead. You said our schedules were too different. Now they’re not, and you still can’t have one meal with me. But you sure do take other days off. I don’t mean anything to you.

♤ How am I supposed to trust you?

♤ Do you remember me, young and stupid? I’m the one that saw you from across the hall. I went up to you and said hi and asked for your name. I was the one that casually ran to you and would pull you towards the stairs and tease you. You cheesed and said “youre so bad”….I think that’s where you got the phrase from. But now I’m not sure. You’ve always said that to me……..I was the one that wanted more. And when you said it, I thought you did too.

♤ I’m not letting anyone love me because I only want to be loved by you. But you don’t even wanna love me.

♤ I didn’t know I was going to feel this way. Before, I just knew that I was heartbroken, but I didn’t understand why. And I had an idea. I just couldn’t entertain it because you are a man w****. Then, when you finally told me what you did, I was so happy because I thought finally he felt the same way back. But you said 10% and I thought 100%