Just Lovely

JANUARY 2

Dear Simone,

♤ So I might have treatment resistant depression and honestly, that bothers me a lot. Makes me feel like it’ll never matter what I do or how much I try… I just can’t be who i want to be. I work hard to just be and that’s exhausting. I’m not feeling much being on Fluoxetine 40 mg. Not much different, I should say.

♤ My provider is prescribing 50mg of Trazodone because I’m not sleeping.

♤ I found the bingo game I used to play on my phone when I was pregnant with Jeh Nay. At first I felt some type of way, but now im trying to embrace whatever memories or feelings come up.

♤ I’m tired of feeling like the only adult in the relationship, but now confirming he has autism it makes sense. He may never “grow up.” I realize THAT is also the “innocence” i see in him. I can never tell if it’s autism or stupidity, and that doesn’t help. I’m also wondering what the correlation between autism and serial killers is. They’re already on the news about mass shootings. I think they might be more dangerous than we think. And if I wanted to leave, I wouldn’t be able to. It might unlock his crazy.

Debating too hard,