Hookah Bar

JANUARY 7

Dear Simone,

I always remember the day AA and I went to the hookah bar, and there was a belly dancer. He was staring at her mesmorized. He even put a pillow between us and then started ignoring me. I was so mad. He was acting weird. Started ignoring me, and I had asked him where the bathroom was and still didn’t turn towards me like I didn’t exist. I ended up leaving. He chased me down the street. I was walking and crying in a city I was not familiar with, and I had no money, and I was so young. But when I was angry, I would need to walk away. Every time I feel ignored, it triggers me back to that same moment. He never saw me. He never looked at me. Not with those eyes he looked at other girls with. The Unmentionalble never looked at me either. Those two are the ones that hurt the most. Alex triggered my abondonment issues, and I closed off. I promised I would dogg whatever guys came my way. But then I met ‘Saint, and he stopped me dead in my tracks. I let go of everyone physically but not emotionally. I still think about The Unmentionale and Alex. I miss them, and my heart hurts.

I had a reactive, impulsive, emotionally unavailable father. And a sneaky, nonreactive, invasive, neglectful mother. I kept finding people just like them. Had they not made it so hard for me to be a person, let me have needs or allowed me to be a child, I wouldn’t be like this. People like AMC, AA, The Unmentionable, Alex and Chanda would not have hurt me the way that I let them.

Regretting some decisions,