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Dear Younger Self,

You guessed it…continued. Have another seat.

In first grade you were playing with dolls with the bus driver’s daughter, Ericka. But it turned S. She told her mom, who reported it to the teachers, and you weren’t allowed to speak or play together anymore.

Paranoia starts kicking in/panic attacks in the shower. It didn’t help that mom would buy under the sea curtains. You kept feeling like sharks would attack. There was an incident where the door was locked, and you couldn’t get out and you yelled for help. Dad came to the door, but you felt like he was pulling it shut rather than help you open it. You cried and told mom; she didn’t believe you. Your dad’s brothers come into the U.S. and eventually they have you translate for their girlfriends. One of them even thought it was weird. The rest were ok with it. Thinking back, everyone was sick. Your favorite uncle goes to prison for drugs, then gets deported. He used to live down the hall. He was the one that helped you guys move. Everyone witnesses him beating his girlfriends. You met 3 of your aunts that year. Toni, Eve and Vee. You also found out that year that one of your uncles smells women’s underwear in the laundry. Your uncles flirted with everyone. It was pretty disgusting. There was a girl down the hall who was a few years younger than you, her name was Alondra. She had a brother who, unsure what his name is but that was the first person you met with autism. At the time you didn’t understand it. You were mean to him too. He called you ugly and you told him “That’s why your dad is in prison.” He cried about it, you denied it. I rarely think about that, but it comes up from time to time.

You were allowed to play twice outside. There were some hedges by the garages. That was the first time you saw lady bugs lay eggs on leaves. You ended up having roller skates and scraped your knee. Your hamsters died and mom and dad said they buried them in the little forest behind the building. Your bird flew away etc. After you got hurt and went upstairs (you lived on the third floor), you walked into your room only to find your mother reading your diary. All the feelings and boys you thought about were just out in the open now. That might have been your villain arc. Good thing you didn’t write about the ACTUAL crush you had on the blonde, curly haired, curvy nurse at school ! She did it so casually too. Like it was her right. In your sweetest voice, you asked her “why are you reading my diary?” “Well, because I can.” That was it. That’s the answer you got for feeling exposed. The book was gold, very princessy. It had a lock and everything.

She lied to you. She bought it for you and told you that, it was your safe space but then invaded it. That’s probably the reason you hate gold. And it’s not like you needed more reasons to not trust your mom. You don’t try to write again until 8th grade. But your math teacher tells on you. He tells them you were writing poems in class and there she goes through your stuff again.

You tried to use regular notebooks but there’s no escaping her snooping. She was even willing to go through the trash and put back the things you threw away or mentioned it or tried to glue/tape things back together. That’s how you learned all the “sneaky,” I guess. You were always being watched.

Paranoid You.