Dear Simone

Dear Younger Self,

You probably got up and took a minute. I know it’s a lot to unfold. Have another seat. We’re not done.

You spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom or closet. Dad used to tell you to just get it over with. Not sure why you didnt succeed. I guess something wanted you to stay.

You wanted to change the world and I’m sorry but you didnt. You had the perfect life picked out for you and none of it happened. You’re probably disappointed. That makes two of us.

The love of your life leaves you and it changes you forever.

Everyone leaves you. Your kid doesn’t even want to spend time with you. No matter how much you try, you’re just rejected by everyone.

You miss most of your kid’s accomplishments because of your depression and you’re always working. And everyone makes you feel guilty for it. But you just keep going. You’re always stuck and that ends when you finally accept medication.

You have no friends and you barely talk to anyone. That time you spent with Toni… enjoy it. She rejects you too and it breaks your heart. It doesnt last but there you stay.

You were always a writer though. I’m a writer. So, thanks for that, I guess.

I’m sorry I couldn’t do better. You didn’t give me much to go off of.

Dad was mad at your intelligence. Mom was jealous. Don’t even try to tell her anything, she’ll just tell dad. She doesn’t help you. She reads books to you, tho. You don’t learn English until maybe 2nd grade. You’re in your own world most of the time. You have many boyfriends. If you can even call them that, starting from preschool. Walter and David were the first boyfriends you remember. Mom and dad said you had a little boyfriend in mexico. Whatever that means. 1st grade, I think you tried focusing more on your teacher, Mrs. Trulsen. She was nice. I’m not sure what happens to her. I can’t find her. You also liked elmo and had an elmo lunch box. You ate your lunch in the cafeteria for breakfast so you wouldnt be alone. Everyone made fun of you, and you didn’t want to step foot in the cafeteria again.

2nd grade you were the only one in science class that raised their hands and knew banana seeds were in the middle of the banana. You also had a racist teacher, Mrs. Headsnicker. You had a meeting with your parents and the principal. I don’t remember much of it. You really tried to erase it. I guess it really molded you. Now that I think back, you only had one or two “best friends.” In first grade you had Lindsey and Sanita. They didn’t think much of you really. I think it was a sign, and it was ignored. In second grade you were kicked in your private area and that definitely stuck with you. It was Sanita’s older brother. The doctors also force mom and dad to give you an inhaler. Because it’s a steroid, it makes you jittery and gain weight.

3rd grade you had Mrs. Bobnick. You loved her the most. Also, you’re bff Megan. She’s blonde. This other girl Bobby wanted to be your friend, but you were so mean to her. You were exposed to more inappropriate innuendos. This boy named Titus made comments while you were eating a banana at lunch. More reason to not eat at the lunchroom. He had anger issues too. Your bff was SA’d and you tried to help her. The librarian’s daughter was her brother’s girlfriend. You tried to get her to help. Even spoke to the social worker. But nothing was done. She was taken to California. You think about her all the time. Don’t worry, you eventually find her at your favorite casino. But she rejects you eventually. That breaks your heart. Her mom dies in 2023.

You were always sad and started S-ideation. Tried drowning in the tub a few times. You were so silly. How could you possibly think that would work? Well, I guess it’s not your fault, you were 9. Mom and dad bought you a pink sweater after Dee threw up on you at the mall. You hated that sweater, that color. You wore it anyways to hide your weight gain.

Everyone always called you weird. I’m not surprised since, you know, mom and dad gave you no social skills. People look to you for guidance, but you have no one to look to.

You kept asking for help. Pathetic. I don’t ask for what I “need,” I just figure it out. Sorry not sorry.

I don’t remember much from 4th grade. You had Ms. Vang. Pretty sure you didn’t care for her. But you needed glasses and mom, and dad finally heard you. This boy, I think was a year younger than you, decides he’s going to choose between you and another girl. Kabao Lee. She smelled so bad. Had very bad hygiene. Long black hair and she had giant flakes of dandruff falling off. And she smelled like she didnt shower or wipe herself for weeks. Like damn, you didn’t like this stupid boy but HE CHOSE HER OVER YOU !? How undesirable were you ???

In 5th grade, you had your first male teacher, Mr. Hawkinson. You admired him but he scared you and he was strict. He would get mad at you for not reading the books, but honestly you weren’t able to. Dad was always yelling at you. I think finances were hard too. You learned the most from Mr. Hawkinson in literature and pottery. Found out you loved it and you had a talent for it. His story broke your heart. He said he was in his 20’s when he had a girlfriend that died from a car accident. He never recovered from that. He was in his 50’s by the time he taught you. So sad. I still wonder what happened to him.

By the way, you were going through a lot of extra things. Like you would constantly get styes, and your sisters were born, and you didn’t speak much so the school put you in ESL, you had a Puerto Rican social worker. She wasn’t much help, Etc.

To be continued…

Frustrated You