North Carolina

Dear Simone,

It rained a lot while I was there. Too much. It got depressing. From February to August. It wasn’t the rain I liked either. It was gloomy and gray without any clouds type of rain. A.A. and I stayed in a studio apartment. A lot smaller than what I was used to. 2-bedroom apartment; 2 sisters, 2 parents and at least 2-3 pets at all times. Now, it was just us…or me. He was gone all the time. So, I was stuck by myself and my thoughts.

I thought I’d get married on a beach or maybe a church. Outdoor wedding, free with the wind, fully connected to the earth and the one I loved. But it didn’t happen that way. I thought I’d cook and bake all the time and I’d eventually have a huge kitchen. I’d have an art room and the theme would be gray, white, black, silver – modern.

My dad used to tell me “MY daughters will take care of me. I don’t need anything from you.” Meaning my sisters. He always reminded of how they were his daughters because he had them when he was ready. He had me when he was 19. I was the burden, always needing something, always had a problem or need money. I was a child. His child. But he never treated me as such. My whole life I think he protected me once or twice. I’m speaking on memory from 3 years old to now. Twice is hopeful thinking.

Why is he so surprised that I grew up to resent him??

He was always nice to you though…