Eagle Brook Church

Dear Simone,

Every Saturday, my dad used to wake us up at 5am just because he couldn’t sleep or he didn’t want to be alone. He would make himself breakfast and not let us go back to sleep. All so we could go to the BUFFET at 11am. If one of us got a snack he would cancel the whole day. He also wasn’t the type of parent or person you could have needs with. At least not us… his family. Anyone else was fine. He was nice to them.

I was his punching bag and his plus 1 everywhere. I was a child.

His conscience always gets him. He tried to bring up the time when I was 16 or 17 and they had me hospitalized for suicide. My aunt forced them. I’m 31 now. He thought I was mad at them for life because of it. I wasn’t. That was the best thing anyone could do for me.

I was mad that they didn’t listen. I had no freedom. I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or have any friends. I wasn’t allowed to do hw because the dishes mattered more. I wasn’t allowed to have feelings or opinions. I wasn’t allowed to speak or be seen. Everything was no to me. No to sports or clubs. No to staying after. No to events. No to being their child. Their children were my sisters. Who are 10 and 8 years younger than me. I was mad for them venting to me for them needing a friend in me. Meanwhile I was getting abused, bullied and tortured. I wasn’t allowed to be a person.

My dad denies everything. Says he was never physical with me, maybe yelled at me but that’s it. That’s BS. I have the scars and witnesses to prove it. Of course my mom backs him up. They both say I was rebellious and against my own culture. Again, that wasn’t the problem.

Imagine all the adults failing you, none of them caring enough to do anything about it but be vocal. Every adult telling you to find someone who will help you but no one listens but you need something and everyone else knows you need something but no one DOES ANYTHING then you grow up and still feel like a child and you’re behind on everything in life and every adult in your life doesn’t understand why you couldn’t be better or further in life and they all give you examples of how much better they all are at parenting and how their kids turned out but you were the oldest and you tried to protect everyone and guide everyone and take care of everyone while having a child later o. and having dreams of becoming a doctor, but you couldn’t. Because you didn’t have the right support system and no one cared so you did everything on your own and succeeded at a slower pace. You sacrificed everything, but it wasn’t enough. Because everyone used you. They squeezed you dry and left, and then they all went on with their merry lives; becoming “great.” And now they use you as an example of what NOT to be. And your parents say “well we didn’t make you do anything.”

Imagine that.

Today I’m angry

Love,