Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

My mother wasn’t a mother to me, and it still affects me to this day. I didn’t realize how bad it was. I always knew what I was missing but not to what extent.

I think that if she loved me, or cared for me, I wouldn’t have had twice as many issues. I see girls without their dads, and I can completely relate to that as mine was there but very absent. Most of these girls had their mother’s love or friendship. I could not relate to that. I think most of my youth I was looking for a substitute mom and a “man’s love” to fill the void my father left behind.

Twice the mess, 10x the problems, 100x the trauma.

I find myself feeling like a child or teenager most of the time…younger than most people my age. Not the one’s I went to school with, but I definitely feel like I look younger than most. I work with a lot of patients and the ones my age, look 5 – 10 years older than me. This one lady in particular was only 1 year older but looked like she was 42! Their lives seem put together and mature, while I still feel the need to grow up.

June 3rd is one of the most important days of my past. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I don’t necessarily regret it but sometimes wish things would have happened differently. I felt like a crumpled flower after that, and I couldn’t even tell her. I had no guidance.

Random thought: I wish we could have enjoyed a bachelorette party together.

Thinking of you,

BB