Dear Simone

Dear Simone,

Not sure if you’ve seen the show “Atlanta;” I was hesitant to watch it. My bf kept insisting until I finally did. I have to watch it little by little. A lot reminds me of my time with AA, Jeh Nay’s dad. Things I wouldn’t have thought of or remembered. Like the saying “I’m tryina be like you!” Sometimes I can’t finish an episode because all the memories come back. None of them good.

We’ve had to start these dinners, as “a family.” I decided every first Saturday of the month. Jeh Nay gets to choose the place and what she would like to share to her dad. We added an extra date for Father’s Day, and he treated us to the movies and lunch at the mall.

I’m still scared of him. I still keep my distance. I try not to react to anything he says to try to trigger me. My nervous system is “on 10” when I’m around him. My body remembers. He wasn’t very kind to me. Ever. My body remembers. Every outing was a public humiliation. My body remembers. He would argue like crazy and say the most outrageous things for others to hear; to make himself look good. My body remembers. I knew it wouldn’t end well. My body remembers. I loved him so much. My body remembers.

He hurt me.

He doesn’t care about Jeh Nay. He tells her he regrets her and she’s dumb, etc. She’s 11. That’s not fair and it’s not her fault. I fear my love won’t be enough for her…

I think you would have been a great mother.

Missing you lots,

BB