Saint and the Spider

Dear Simone,

The first time I saw this clear, medium – sized spider, it was crawling down from the side of the windshield – my side. I thought I killed it with a napkin, and I dropped it on the passenger side. I didn’t see it anymore and I thought, what if I missed it?

Then Boob got in the car, and I didn’t think about it anymore. On the way to dropping him off this damn spider is crawling down on my phone and charging cord while I’m driving. I freak out, it falls by my shoe, and he tells me to step on it and I do but I don’t see a body. He tells me to take it off, maybe it’s under there but I still don’t see it. I told him it’ll probably stab me in the neck when I’m not looking smh

Next day, driving to work the same spider crawls down from passenger side. I acted quickly…. this time I believe I got it. I squished it with a napkin and tried to squish it twice. I threw it in the trash. I hope I got it this time.……Aaaaaand that’s how the spider tortured me for 3 days.

I have my bf saved as ‘Saint’ in my phone and I call him Boob. I don’t think he knows why I call him Saint, and I’m ok with that. Honestly, it feels like it’s a sign. It just came to me one day as I was watching Snowfall. That was the main character’s last name. And his tall and slender build reminded me of him. Then it hit me, I always wanted to name my son Mateo Santos (enter last name here). Santos means saints. It all made sense.

I read this girl’s post I went to school with, and I thought wow, I think that’s what everyone has been trying to tell me. I do everything on my own, by myself, and maybe, I don’t have to. I keep getting stuck because I get stuck thinking that if you don’t do what you’re good at it’s a waste. But maybe I have to learn that it’s my talent and I should decide whether I waste it or not and if the world deserves to see it. I take pride in not needing someone for the most part, but that’s an illusion because I always need someone, I just don’t have anyone. Egger was right, the load is too heavy for me now. Maybe I don’t have to be Superwoman anymore.

Rant over.